I haven’t written for a while and I apologize. Lupus dominated my life over the past couple of months. The physical and emotional stress all culminated into a lupus meltdown.
Here are the events and details the led up to my, let’s say outpouring of emotions, to describe it gently. A couple of weeks ago, I moved into a new home. My boyfriend and our friends handled all the heavy lifting, naturally. I was not content to impersonate a bystander, watching all the activity from my comfy recliner. So I participated cautiously, lightly packing and unpacking, and handling matters on my perpetual “to do list”. Alright, I confess. The truth is I overexerted myself, pushing my body and emotions to the threshold of pre-crisis. That last sentence is my continual ruination.
The stress of it all finally broke me. I had a lupus meltdown and the watershed commenced.
The Drama Details
I locked myself in my bathroom, joined the rug on the floor, and I cried. I’m talking a full on wailing cry. There was even a little bit of hyperventilating and truthfully it scared me. I’m the queen of hiding my emotions. Releasing them so freely was a new escapade.
In the midst of my hyper cry, I thought of a friend of mine who also suffers from a chronic illness. She told me that she occasionally screamed when her medical issues and life overwhelmed her. That notion always fascinated me. 
Wondering what screaming aloud would feel like, and since I was already blubbering, I gave it a go. It felt good. Really, really good! I wish I could express that more eloquently, but all I can think to say is, “Yay!” The whole dramatic cry was quite liberating and cathartic. During my hysterical expression, I realized that my body, mind, and emotions were desperate to release all of my stockpiled stress, tension, anxiety, and anger.
Record Scratch Sound Effect – Anger?
Yes, anger! The whole moving process invoked angry feelings. The physical pain, emotional hurt, and prolific frustration at my blasted sick body, all fed my anger a costly collation. The price being my health. Too exorbitant for my budget. I’ve heard that anger often supersedes hurt. I’ll attest to that as I experienced it firsthand.
Why all the anger? Because I am physically not able to do what others folks can. Correction, I cannot do what I used to be able to without considering the immense physical fallout. It’s infuriating. This bleeping disease is cruel. Lupus robs me physically and beyond. This disease cheats and deprives me of the freedom of living life the way I want.
I Got an “F” On My Exam
Keeping positive through life’s trials and tribulations is my perpetual assignment, but I flunked my last test. 
My stubbornness and refusal to hear my body screaming at me, caused me to emotionally nosedive. I would love to promise that I’ve learned my lesson, but I don’t want to perjure myself. All I can say is that I’ll try to do better next time. I want to prevent a future lupus meltdown. I’ll try to be kinder to myself. Lupus dictates it. (It’s such a bully!)
Confession: I failed again. As I type this, I have a migraine and yet I keep typing. I’m going to stop typing now. Honest. See, there I did it. I’m still typing aren’t I? Curses!
Your humor is a riot. You are an awesome inspiration and you are loved and prayed for everyday
Thank you! That means a lot to me.
I understand, especially the part where you feel like screaming and screaming. After all, sound is the only thing that can escape this trap. Hang in there. Just breathe and stay alive. xxx
I have only recently been diagnosed with Mixed Connective Tissue Disease (I tested positive for Lupus, but also another autoimmune disease). I keep thinking the doctors have got this wrong because my symptoms are not to the point of what you and others describe. I don’t have the rash, but I do get a few of the blisters now and then (usually on my face and in my nose) and they hurt! I do have trouble with pain in my joints and muscles, swollen sausage fingers, huge ankles (but I’m overweight — I have a comeback for every symptom). Lupus has attacked my lungs. I have recently started an immune suppressant drug and I feel much better (although I really didn’t feel that bad). Am I going to wake up one morning and not be able to move? I know I can no longer do a lot of the things I used to do, but seriously … Lupus??? It took over a year for a diagnosis. Any suggestions/comments of what to look for, what to do … I just feel like this is a dream I’m not supposed to be in.
Hi Susan,
I am so sorry to hear all you are going through. It is so frustrating to wait so long for a diagnosis. When I was finally diagnosed, it was a relief because once you know what is happening to your body, you can focus on healing and dealing with it. Plus it validates that it’s not in your head. As far as suggestions, I would make sure that you are happy with your doctors. Your doctors should be on your side, helping you and in no way belittling you or making you feel bad in any way. While your symptoms may not be the “typical” lupus symptoms, I try to remind myself that Lupus is often called a designer disease. Because it affects everyone differently. Please don’t give up. I would also suggest continuing to find answers if you are not satisfied with what your doctors tell you. This might mean getting another opinion. When I started having seizures, I went to 3 neurologists because I wasn’t happy with the 1st 2 doctors’ answers. I would highly recommend support groups, whether in person or online. This helped me tremendously when I was 1st diagnosed. The most important thing is don’t give up!!! Keep fighting to get better.